The last few months have been extremely trying on me. I got my first apartment, first full time job, first pet, first loans, and it’s my first time planning a wedding. As wonderful as most of these things are, they can quickly become hardships if you don’t know what you’re doing (which I don’t.) So for the past few months I’ve felt extremely stressed and unable to cope some days with the way things are going.
I’d find myself asking God for help, telling Him, “I’m not strong enough for this.” or “This is too much pressure.” Unsure of how much more I could take, I kept going each day, trying to tackle the list of things I had to do. Get laundry done. Check. Pick up bunny food. Check. Go to doctors. Check. Clean the house. Check. Thing after thing, just plowing through. And then finally, I felt like this weight was finally coming off of my shoulders. I was finally freeing up some time in my schedule and getting to feel like I was in control….until I got a phone call at work.
“Hi, is this Amanda.”
“Yes, this is she.”
“Hi Amanda, your test results came back and I’m sorry to tell you but you have cancer.”
At this point I have three or four kids vying for my attention, some screaming, some crying. I’ve completely lost control of my emotions and senses for a few moments and the tears have started flowing. I rush into the office and hang up the phone, trying to gain composure in order to finish the days work. I can’t even begin to comprehend that awful word.
How could it be? Me? A relatively healthy twenty two year old girl have cancer. I mean are you serious?! After I finally got some me time and finally started to feel in control, I’ve lost it all over again; and I’ve lost it all to one measly word.
Fast forward two days. I’ve told family and friends, watched and heard the reactions but am still unable to comprehend.
I’ve gotten one of two reactions:
1. “Omgosh I’m so sorry. Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.” (most common.)
2.“It’s a mild cancer, really quite treatable. You’re quite lucky.” Yes, I think to myself each time I’m told this, I am quite lucky, lucky I have enough self composure to not tell you what I’m really thinking right now. Not the most Christian thing but you know, I’m not perfect.
So many thoughts have been whirling in my head since then.
I know I have a 90% chance to live through this, and for that I’m thankful, but this is going to suck.
What if it spreads?
How is this going to affect my wedding in TWO MONTHS?!
What am I going to tell my fiance?
What’s going to happen next?
Every which way I turn I get people telling me what a cut and dry process it is. It will be over soon enough and don’t worry about it. Everyone knows someone who knows someone else who went through the same thing, so they can understand. Whenever someone says that I keep thinking I’m glad one of us is understanding this because I’m sure not.
It’s like all my thoughts had finally been picked up and then someone just came and spread them all apart again, like when you finally get the whole yard raked in fall and then the wind scatters all the leaves again. It’s frustrating. (So excuse me if this post is totally garbled.)
At this point I’ll be honest, I’m still processing what’s going on around me but I have trust in the Lord that no matter how bad it is or isn’t that He has me in His hands and it will all work out in the end.
If you would like to keep reading about my battle with cancer check out each of my updates.